From what I've observed, over the course of many years, and due to the process of challenging and often mysterious cultural changes, I have come to the conclusion that genuine relationships of a deep and safe nature are increasingly rare. Communication has changed radically evolving into an information based society where the world of social networking sites, email, and texting has replaced real time human fellowship. The feeling of being comfortable with someone, because of slowly stewed relationships, seems to be less common, in favor of quick or abbreviated messages that can sometimes become explosive exchanges all because the tone of the words must be guessed at. Then, without even knowing it’s happening, a presumptuous world of hidden expectations and a "right to speak" attitude, has overtaken what is called a friendship, simply because an individual’s personal information, likes, activities and photos etc is readily available without the time it takes to develop the comfortableness that once was important for real friendships to survive. That “comfortable” feeling could be called “familiarity”.
I have wanted to define this issue for quite some time now since I've experienced both sides of these dynamics with enjoyment and agony. Therefore, allow me some room to explain.
I believe that according to biblical principle, and human practical experience, there are two kinds of familiarity. The first is fabulous! It is found in the precious relational exchange and healthy order that occurs between God, the creator, and human being, the creation. The second is painful. It murders friendship, devastates leadership, pollutes healthy interaction resulting in crisis, fosters disappointment, forcing self-justified usurpation and propogates inappropriate expectations. In many cases, this second type of familiarity causes irreparable damage, often destroying the pathway to God’s design and destiny for those who succumbed to it. Nonetheless, if it is identified early on, it can be averted and the future protected for all involved.
I love the example of the God-kind of familiarity that David the psalmist described in Psalms 139. It is the healthy form of familiarity that I believe could be possible in human relationships if we understood what was required. Moreover, David expressed that God knew and understood him through and through. The familiarity David revealed resulted from a lifelong intimacy and a sense of mutual harmony. Communication was deep, heartfelt and matured over the course of many years. David, therefore, understood his role and place in how he was to relate God and had peace in that. We need the same understanding in how we relate to people practicing God-inspired boundaries for the reason of protecting the people we relate to and according to Spirit-led healthy expectations and purpose.
Relationships could easily be compared to all different kinds of shoes. They can feel comfortable, fitting your every manner and expression, or they can be tight, restrictive, painful and stinky. What we must learn is that when peace leaves a relationship, problems are lurking over the horizon. All too often those unseen conflicts develop because of an unhealthy familiarity that develops outside of God’s design for how individuals should interact with each other for profitable fruit. Let’s look at one example of how familiarity nearly destroyed one of Jesus’ disciples.
Matt 16:13 When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am? 14 And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. 15 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? 16 And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. 17 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. 18 And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. 19 And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 20 Then charged he his disciples that they should tell no man that he was Jesus the Christ. 21 From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto his disciples, how that he must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised again the third day. 22 Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee. 23 But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men. KJV
Jesus asked his disciples who the people said He was. Several of the disciples expressed themselves. Then when Jesus pressed them to answer who they felt He was, Simon Peter declared in faith that Jesus was the Christ, the Son of the Living God. This was a monumental moment for Peter, for after he’d announced his faith, Jesus publicly affirmed him and prophesied a tremendous promise to the former fisherman. One has to wonder what went on in the disciple’s heart because shortly thereafter, when Jesus revealed of His soon coming death and resurrection, Peter did something totally out of line. Peter yielded to satan and took Jesus aside to rebuke him for revealing His future death and resurrection. Now, consider this with me. Jesus was Peter’s teacher, or Master, as the Scriptures state. Peter was therefore in a secondary role of authority and service. But shortly after he'd been affirmed Peter took it upon himself to correct His teacher. This is a symptom of a familiarity that went wrong. In fact, I personally think that Peter became proud while he thought about the affirmation Jesus had spoken to him. But let’s look into this further.
Jesus was with his disciples in close interaction for three years time. Now due to that time and culture, this would not have been as much a problem as it would be today because the society was constructed around the practice of honoring one’s elders, leaders and teachers. Nonetheless, satan endeavored to break down the relationship between Jesus and Peter by using an ungodly form of familiarity. In our current “rights to speak and do” culture, this familiarity is bound to increase. Offenses could very easily become a serious issue for those who don’t learn how to relate in a healthyS manner that matures over the course of months and years, rather than seconds and hours.
How does an unhealthy expression of familiarity develop?
Prov 29:21 He who pampers his servant from childhood will have him expecting the rights of a son afterward. AMP
1. Number One. An ungodly form of familiarity generally develops when someone in authority, or responsibility, affirms either an individual coming into a new relationship, or someone who is in a position of lesser authority or responsibility, without being wise in how much should be said and where it's spoken. I have to admit! I've blown it on several occasions, even though I did it all with the good intentions of building people up to believe in what God put in them. Proverbs 29:21 says it well as the verse reveals a principle of wise management for leaders. If you as a leader, or an individual attempting to work with others, pamper, give too much information, or are overboard in affirmation, gifts, appreciation etc, to those who are learning from you, or who serve you, or who are new on the job with you, they will, without exception begin to expect you to give them everything you have because you have made yourself too accessible to them or too familiar with them.
2. Number Two. Unrighteous familiarity develops when you give too much of yourself, exceeding the boundaries of what God has intended for the relationship. Once that familiarity takes hold, those who have fallen prey to it will feel they have the right to use you for their purposes and agenda, expecting you to do whatever they feel you should do. The people that have become too familiar with you will then begin to take advantage of you without considering your needs, and ignoring your concerns. These types of conflicts are seldom resolved because the unhealthy familiarity creates a type of blindness and does not understand if the wrong expectations and demands are resisted and confronted.
3. Number Three. A wrongful familiarity often develops when people feel they have the right to use all you own, possess, know and do, because you've allowed yourself to become too accessible to them.
I heard of a true story of a woman minister who took another woman with her on a ministry trip. They stayed in the same hotel room for several nights and the traveling companion heard nearly everything that went on in the conversations between the minister and pastors. The minister took care of her guest on the trip, paying for all her food, lodging, transportation and extra perks, not realizing that a seed of presumptuous pride began to grow during the trip. Then once they returned home, the traveling companion began to expect all sorts of special favors and personal attention. When the minister was unable to fulfill all the wrongful expectations the other woman retaliated with some of the most awful behaviors I've ever heard of happening in ministry. The relationship was unsalvageable because the blindness created by the familiarity prevented any correction. The traveling companion felt justified in her behaviors. Familiarity breeds in the land of “too much” information, accessibility, unwise giving and neediness for attention.
These are just three of the ways that familiarity goes wrong. Thankfully, an unhealthy familiarity can be avoided if some practical wisdom is employed.
I'm more and more inclined to believe that we’re heading into a time when people are desperate for deep relationships. The problem is that their desperation is dangerous because they’re ignorant of the God-inspired parameters necessary for stable interaction. What’s more, this determination to get a deep relationship resists the fact that it takes time for relationships to grow in a healthy manner, while developing around a forgiving and measured love. Without this understanding, relationships can become need based. Therefore, in order to avoid an unhealthy familiarity you must constantly be in tune with what God wants for that relationship and the pace it requires. It takes time to get to know people. It also takes time to develop trust and to know how much to give without going past what is wise! We need practical heavenly revelation so we don’t rush in how we interact with others! In addition, recognizing the type of relationship is critical. How much authority have you been given by the people you relate to? Are you a leader or a learner? Peter forgot that he was a learner and proudly exceeded the parameters of authority and rebuked Jesus. An unrighteous familiarity ignores these things and can become intolerably bossy, confrontational and vindictive, even doing so in the name of the Lord. God help us!
Healthy relationships are like a good, comfortable shoe. They don’t pinch! They’ve been through a lot and are broken-in from lots of wear and tear and time. Use wisdom in how much you reveal and give. If you’re a leader remember that what you reveal will grant an authority to the people who hear it and that you may not be able to retract it even if you want to. Your learners could fall prey to the same attack that Peter should have recognized and avoided. Thank God, Jesus knew what was happening and protected Peter while at the same time dealing with Satan. In the end of it all, God will shield us from the enemy of unhealthy familiarity if we will pay attention to what He wants in our friendships and various roles of human interaction. We don’t have to be victims of this foe.
