HAS THE CRYING STOPPED?
Matthew 27:46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a
loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God,
why hast thou forsaken me? KJV
The overhead lights
were dark and the nicely furnished living room emanated the potential of being
a warm, cozy retreat, but instead it felt like a tomb, vacant and cold. In the
shadowy chamber, you could barely see the outline of an upright, cushioned recliner,
bearing a sitting solitary woman as she blankly stared off into the empty
space. She’d been there for several hours, unmoving, and looked almost
catatonic. Her face showed little expression. Her eyes were vacant and her hands
though clasped together, lay in her lap, lifeless. Her mobile phone, an older
model, laid next to her elbow on the arm of the chair. But there would be no
calls, no texts and no reason for her to expect anything to be any different,
even though she still hoped a little. She was alone. Oh yes, she had family and
people who claimed to be her friends. But they seldom called, and even less frequently
visited. They didn’t even really know what was going on her life because they
were understandably busy with their own. In fact, they innocently assumed she
had a vital, and thriving social environment. But that was the furthest thing
from the truth. In the past, she’d tried to phone them, and though they were
polite, she could tell that her call was an annoyance, or at least an unwanted
interruption. So rather than try again, she gave up. She couldn’t rememberthe
last time she’d had an invigorating conversation. But, here alone with her muddled
and slow moving thoughts, loneliness was gradually and simply killing her. The
fatal and unrecognized plague of loneliness had found another victim and no one
would even recognize what was at the root of her eventual demise, disease and
death. The question is: Do you have to suffer at the hands of this foe? May I
reply- No!!!! No!!! No, you don’t!
In
the past several years, as I’ve been working on the manuscript of my book, THE
DRAMA OF TRAUMA, I’ve noticed that there is a very unusual but significant symptom
reflecting the effects of trauma that’s seldom considered, let alone understood
or talked about. You see when you examine the roots and fruits of trauma, a
pattern emerges that is often ignored. This pattern reveals that where ever you
find trauma, you’ll also observe loneliness. And, like the question about which
comes first, the chicken or the egg, where ever you find loneliness, you’ll
also discover trauma. The two are dangerously paired. We shouldn’t therefore be
surprised when we read in Scripture that even Jesus experienced these two related
conditions while on the cross. “My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?”
expresses His feeling of having been abandoned. These heart rending words emote
the sensations that are often associated with intense loneliness. Furthermore,
the cross was one of the most traumatic deaths a human being could endure, and
as Jesus died there for us, He carried our sin, sickness, grief and and a host
of innumerable human failures. The victory over
loneliness begins with accepting what Jesus experienced in our behalf. Thankfully
He faced and overcame the pain and effects of trauma-induced loneliness through
his death and resurrection for humanity. But how does this all relate to us
today?
I’ve never heard a sermon addressing the subject
of loneliness, let alone read much of anything written by Christians who’ve
researched it both Biblically and clinically, with the goal of delivering the
lonely soul from the depths of this misery. What’s more, not much research was
even done on the subject in the psychology world until around 1959 when a German
Jewish woman, Freida Fromm-Reichmann wrote a paper entitled “On Loneliness. Her
article shifted the psychoanalytical opinion on the subject in a much needed
way. She’d fled Germany for the United States prior to Hitler’s genocide of the
Jews, and had she not survived, we would have missed out on her very helpful
insight into the study of loneliness. Now obviously
her work wasn’t Biblically based or spiritually driven. Nonetheless, her
attitude toward people deemed incurable by the mental health world emulates
something that all Christians should consider and practice. She believed that
no patient was too sick to be healed through trust and intimacy. In fact, her writings and practice revealed
that she believed that “loneliness lay at the heart of nearly all mental
illnesses and that the lonely person was about the most terrifying spectacle in
the world.” Researchers since that time have come to discover that loneliness
is at the root of a wide range of physical ailments, even to the point that it
can alter human DNA and affect brain matter development. One study involving
the abandonment of Romanian orphans, born during the reign of Communist
dictator Nicolae
Ceaușescu, revealed that the neglected babies grew up with severe
emotional and learning disabilities. The trauma of their isolation and their
lack of experience in intimate human relationship was catastrophic in that it resulted
in their brains developing less gray and white matter necessary to normal human
existence. Memory, emotions, decision-making and social interaction were not
functioning properly, all because of the root of the loneliness these little
ones endured. But, interestingly, when a child was adopted into a healthy
family situation, most of the problems were corrected. This sad account notably
reveals that when love is especially absent in the earliest stages of life, the
human brain will not develop properly, along with a host of other disabilities.
Human beings need to be loved!
I won’t invest a lot of time expounding on the clinical
aspects of loneliness, but I do want to communicate the importance of
understanding the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social complications
created by it. You see when loneliness and all its sidekicks invade the human
being, the condition actually causes misleading hormonal signals to be sent
throughout the body that messes up the molecules of genes that govern our
behavior. This internal corruption then knocks some of the most important
physical systems out of whack opening the person up to sicknesses, many of which
might kill you if the loneliness is long term. In fact, emotional isolation is
ranked as high as the effects of smoking in connection to human mortality. So,
its vital that we address this problem from all aspects.
The
new statistics for the United States reveal that loneliness is on the rise. In
the year 2000, a survey was done that discovered that 1 out of 5 people were
considered chronically lonely. The newest survey revealed that this percentage
has significantly increased. As of 2010, 1 out 3 people are now identified as
chronically lonely. What’s more as the Baby-boomer generation heads toward
retirement age, researchers forecast that this percentage is about to spike!
There could be as much as 75% of the population deeply lonely. But who are
these people? They are the elderly, the poor, the bullied, the shamed, the
rich, the unemployed, the infirm, the physically isolated, the different, young
homebound mothers, spouses, singles and basically anyone who doesn’t have daily
healthy interaction with people. But for the Christian, how does this apply?
As
I’ve been reflecting on the seriousness of this matter, after having reviewed numerous
contemporary articles, and considered the increasing number of research papers and
some ministry publications, I’m sad to say, from what I’ve assessed from these
documents, that much of the Church is oblivious to the extent of this escalating
trend. Christians! we need to wake up to the immensity of this monster that is crippling,
and yes, killing people on a large scale. Let me explain.
There
is often a nearly invisible predicament that occurs when the desperately
lonely, with all their various needs, tries to join Christian fellowship. That
problem is avoidance. We must understand that there are degrees of loneliness
and the trauma that comes with it is as unique as the individual personality.
But I’ve begun to wonder if we even know what we should do when someone deeply
lonely attempts to mingle in our circles. Do we know how we should react to
them? What are the characteristics of a lonely person? How can we discern the
real need? Frieda Fromm-Reichmann faced this same issue, and she chastised her
fellow therapists for withdrawing from the seemingly unreachable patients
because they were afraid of being contaminated by them, or worse, not wanting
to face their own masked loneliness. But the changes that need to happen will
not occur if we ignore and sweep this problem under the carpet. The question
is: How can we deal with it if we don’t even know how to define it in a
practical and spiritual manner?
DEFINING
LONELINESS
Loneliness
according to the definition that Fromm-Reichmann came up with is simply this.
Loneliness is the want of intimacy! Wow.
Its more than being without friends, or being cooped up because of disease, or
even being dissatisfied with your relationships. It is the lack of intimacy. Therefore, loneliness is not an absence
of people contact. Nor is it the lack of conversation and interaction. It is
the lack of closeness that determines what brings on loneliness or not.
In
like measure, we also need to define intimacy. In our very natural and carnal
cultures, intimacy has become a word entirely sexually driven. However, true
intimacy is not built around physical closeness. It is an attitude of the heart
that brings a sense of worth and stability.
Dear
ones, every human being needs to feel close to someone in order to live in a healthy
manner. But human relationships can be changeable and lost in a moment. Additionally,
busy-ness and activities with the people you associate with mean little when
you’re lying in bed late at night and staring into the darkness wondering if
this is all there is. So, don’t you find it interesting as a Christian that the
primary spiritual calling, or what we were created for, is to first have
intimacy with God?
The
early Church believers enjoyed a fellowship that drew them together. Yet, no
relationship was ever to take precedence over the fellowship with the Lord God.
Likewise, if we lack intimacy with people, on top of feeling isolated from
Jesus, we’ll never exhibit all of the fruitfulness that we’re designed to
produce. Loneliness murders that possibility.
HOW DOES
LONELINESS MANIFEST?
The
primary emotion associated with loneliness is the sensation of rejection. Furthermore,
feelings of worthlessness run a close second, and you need to know that they have
a demonic origin. Nonetheless, the condition of being rejected, for whatever
reason, is an aspect of loneliness that is probably the most damaging because
it builds a platform for another foe- i.e. worthlessness.
Worthlessness
comes about for two reasons. In the Biblical sense, worthlessness is always
related to the spirit of Antichrist, (in the Old Testament named Belial which
is defined as worthlessness). In the beginnings of the rejection associated
with loneliness, worthlessness seduces people to believe that they have no
value. Their imaginations then tend to run wild as the negative possibilities
are magnified and consequently makes room for increasing pain. For that reason,
people come to believe that they’ve been rejected because they don’t matter or
mean anything to others, i.e. something must be wrong with them. Then,
eventually the spirit of worthlessness talks the individual out of believing in
her or his personal talents, spiritual gifts and abilities, so that as the
process advances the person gradually loses the ability to communicate and
share who she or he is with others. Eventually, the victims relinquish their
senses to self-pity and turn inward, ceasing to reach out because in his or her
mind, “What’s the use?” The combination of these two foes create a formidable
challenge. But, may I remind you, because of what Jesus did on the cross, this
problem is not undefeatable. God has made a way out for the lonely. Let’s now take
a look at some of the symptoms and behaviors often present in the chronically
lonely life.
THE SYMPTOMS
Hebrews
12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of
witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily
beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 2
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that
was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at
the right hand of the throne of God.3 For consider him that endured such
contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your
minds. KJV
Loneliness
has a way of affecting the brain by causing a lonely person to fixate his or
her thoughts into a mad cycle of pain and emptiness. This causes a wide range
of problems and may actually embed an unhealthy pattern of thinking into the
individual brain so much so that it can be a challenge to correct. As a result,
the lonely person’s thought processes slow down and fragment. Paul the apostle,
a man very probably prone to long periods of isolation and loneliness,
explained the importance of staying focused on what Jesus did on the cross to
prevent mental weariness.
Once
the thought processes begin to disintegrate, a lonely person gradually loses
the ability to communicate. What’s more, their social skills usually disappear.
Therefore, speech and communication skills become increasingly difficult as loneliness
enforces its agenda. It isn’t unusual for the lonely to speak in a slurred
manner. They may also talk in a mumbling tone, making it hard to hear what they
say. This is because, worthlessness convinces the lonely person that what she
or he has to say isn’t important enough for anyone to hear, so they’re often
unable to find the right words to utter. This may develop even to the point
that she or he will stammer, or struggle to put sentences together.
Depression
is a foregone conclusion in the chronically lonely person’s life. This is
because loneliness strips the soul of its purpose so that he or she will feel
the need to sleep all the time, especially during the daylight hours, as a
means of escape from the pain of being alone. Then, because they’ve slept so
much during the day, they won’t be able to sleep at night and will consequently
wrestle with wild and negative thoughts that only take them further down a
darker path. The fruits of depression are therefore as follows.
In
connection with depression, hopelessness and despair are commonly experienced
in the lonely life. Sometimes these fruits are difficult to discern. You see, on occasion an individual may “look”
like everything is ok, when in reality, if loneliness has taken a long term
hold, that individual may have inwardly given up. You can’t always tell by
outward appearances. The chronically lonely think that they’re without hope and
they don’t believe there can, or will, ever be any change in their life’s
condition. They in fact, despair of ever being truly loved. As a result, an
assortment of destructive thought patterns progressively gain ground. Hopelessness
also inevitably produces an “I don’t care attitude”. It may affect how and if
the lonely person practices good hygiene, how they dress, and it often produces
an unkempt appearance such as disheveled hair, messy, dirty clothing and such.
It’s not unusual to find that the isolated lonely person also does not eat a
healthy diet and regular good meals. They often don’t eat at normal times
either because they forget to eat or they don’t want to eat alone. This is
especially true for senior citizens who live alone and experience long periods
of time without people contact. Most of these conditions generally spring from
the hopelessness and despair common to the lonely.
Self-pity
is often another result of the combined effects of loneliness, worthlessness
and rejection. It becomes especially a problem for the Christian when Jesus and
the work of the cross and resurrection are forgotten. Elijah the prophet, after
having defeated the prophets of Baal in the showdown on Mount Carmel, sunk into
a depression that exuded self-pity. He’d lost his focus, but he was also
emotionally, physically and spiritually spent from the intense conflict with
the false prophets and of course, Jezebel. Then, collapsing in the desert under
a skinny dried up juniper bush, loneliness and despair overtook him and he gave
into self-pity spouting out incredibly hopeless words that expressed that he
wanted to die. Self-pity is one of the most-deadly vices that loneliness makes
use of. Moreover, it can sadly also be
one of the greatest hindrances to liberating someone because when people who
yield to self-pity they usually believe that they’re entitled to feeling sorry
for themselves. In reality, the self-pity is actually an aim to get attention
from the people they want exchange with. But, it’s always empty and without
fruit.
In
some situations, the chronically lonely person will become manic in his or her
behaviors and speech. This is because fear and paranoia drives them to force
socialization on others without being aware of their surroundings and the ones
they’re attempting to engage with. Sometimes the combinations of this mania and
fear cause the lonely soul to act out unsocial behaviors just so to get
attention and a negative form of intimacy. This is especially true among neglected
children. Negative attention is still attention, even if it’s not what they
truly crave.
Chronically
lonely people are often desperate for conversation and fellowship. For that
reason, they won’t always know best how to connect with people that they want
to relate to. What’s more, depending on the condition of their social skills,
they may do one of several things. I say this so that if someone who is in this
state approaches you, I would encourage you to remain sensitive, patient and
understanding. Be sincere and kind. Don’t avoid them. Nonetheless you need to realize
that lonely people will either be withdrawn and silent, or they will talk
without ceasing. Lonely people have so many thoughts and words pent up within
them, that if they find someone they believe will listen, they explode like a
geyser waiting to blow. This is because they fear that there won’t be another
chance or another person who might listen. If you give them room to express
themselves, without allowing for co-dependent behaviors to develop, they will
eventually get healed and become more particular in how much and what they say.
But it takes time for that to come to pass.
Although
many more conditions may be caused by chronic loneliness, the last one I want
to mention may surprise you. People who’re persistently lonely tend to live in
poorly lit and messy, even filthy, living environments. In some instances, this
might be exacerbated by poverty. But, because loneliness has shut down the
perception of order and structure, the heart broken souls are blind to the
havoc surrounding them. In the most advanced conditions of this, they will need
help to get out of their hole because the mess becomes overwhelming.
WHAT ARE THE
SOLUTIONS?
A LIFE OF
PRAYER
As
overwhelming as the pains of chronic loneliness can be God has made a way so that
the believer can triumph. What’s more, being alone and isolated isn’t truly the
problem. In fact, if you remember, loneliness is actually a lack of intimacy. You
can be in a crowd and still be chronically lonely.
I’m
increasingly inclined to believe that a great majority of believers have never
learned the importance, or how to practice an intimate relationship with Jesus.
And, I know that even though it’s not all bad, there has been an increasing
trend in ideology and teaching that overemphasizes “self” and “personal
identity” over and above a walk of faith. The spiritually minded believer is
supposed to deny self and practice a humble servant’s heart. But the current
trend on personal identity and value sets that idea aside. In some ways, in
fact, we may have lost the sacredness of what a committed walk with the Lord looks
like and one that isn’t so concerned about “ME, MYSELF AND I”. Therefore, when
the Christian is called to walk with God in an intimate fashion, the focus
becomes Jesus, instead of one’s personal situation or emotional desires. Walking
with the Lord, is a daily discipline, and it should not be considered a
religious ritual. It is instead an intimate exchange of the human heart with
God.
Consider
this. The early Church was radically inspired by dedicated believers who sought
a personal sanctuary in God’s presence, so much so, that they journeyed and
lived for many years in the solitary places of the desert, wilderness regions of
the Middle East. There in that seclusion, they intentionally sought God. They
focused on being alone with Him undistracted by people, pleasures and
natural worldly circumstances. My question for you is this. How did these
faithful ones manage to overcome the loneliness that would have been normal for
anyone who chose such a life? They rarely had contact with people, and lived in
a manner that was without even the simplest pleasures. How did they survive the
isolation and primitive existence? I
believe it was because these precious ones understood how to focus on the presence
of God. They made it their single aim to fully and intimately know Him above
all other things. Although I don’t recommend you slip away to live in a desert,
I do think that we as contemporary Christians have misplaced our priorities and
settled for shallow, superficial experiences that can’t produce the type of
spiritual intimacy we’re been created for and inwardly crave. There is an
intimacy, a spiritual exchange, that God has designed us for, and that will
without fail defeat the woes of this world’s loneliness. Friends, family,
spouses and other humans can only partially satisfy our need. But if this is
so, it means that we need to truly learn how to pray.
Psalms
142:1 I cried unto the Lord with my voice; with my voice unto the Lord did I
make my supplication. 2 I poured out my complaint before him; I shewed before
him my trouble. 3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest
my path.KJV
In
brief, prayer is not a religious ritualistic practice. It’s a two-way exchange
that involves mutual communication between God and you. Let me make it simple.
Talk to Him! Include Him in your life, minute by minute, hour by hour, day into
day and circumstance after circumstance. Intimacy requires inclusion. Include
Him in your every moment. Be intentional in your connection. Then LISTEN!! He wants
to talk to you. You see, if you end the conversation, the intimacy has already ceased.
Talk to Him. In fact, the Psalmist said it well when he wrote: I poured out my
complaint before Him! Make yourself practice pouring your heart to Him, instead
of looking for a human ear to listen to your issues. He is the best one to talk
to! Lay aside all of your hyper spiritual vocabulary and be honest with Him and
yourself. If you do so, you’ll find yourself growing to enjoy a depth of
closeness that no human being can truly afford you. What’s more you won’t feel
so empty when people don’t talk to you, or take time to be with you. He is there all the time waiting and
listening.
FOCUS ON JESUS AND WHAT HE
ACCOMPLISHED FOR YOU ON THE CROSS!
Hebrews 12:2 Looking unto
Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before
him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand
of the throne of God. 3 For consider him that endured such contradiction of
sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.
Secondly, if we’re going to deal a deadly blow to loneliness
we need to identify and accept what Jesus carried on the Cross for us. Then, we
must pray those truths through with intentional application every day.
In
walking out the work of redemption, and living according to what’s been
accomplished in you in the New Birth, you need to train yourself to always look
to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. Consider what He did and then
line yourself up with those truths.
Isa.
53: 1 Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the Lord
revealed?2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out
of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him,
there is no beauty that we should desire him. 3 He is despised and rejected of
men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our
faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 4 Surely he hath
borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten
of God, and afflicted. 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was
bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and
with his stripes we are healed.
Loneliness
preys on your feelings. Though your feelings may be real, and poised for pain,
they’re not always the truth. In the New Creation, you’ve been seated in
Christ, above all the experiences and feelings you deal with. If you focus on
what Jesus accomplished for you and place your affections in who He is, you can
then lasso your runaway imaginations, putting them under your feet, and take
ascendancy over the pain loneliness exudes. But to do this you must choose to
deny the right of your emotions to rule you and focus on Christ’s victory and
the work of redemption.
Col.
3:1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where
Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. 2 Set your affection on things above,
not on things on the earth. 3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ
in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear
with him in glory.
There
is an increasingly scary ideology being proposed by well-meaning teachers to modern
Christians. It ignores the basics of faithful walking with God that requires
discipline and putting off the old manner of living, by alternatively
emphasizing a more “psychological” perspective of life. This doesn’t mean we
shouldn’t be compassionate with the hurting, and deny the reality of the
feelings people go through. But in the mind of many contemporary believers,
emotions have become the truth. Therefore, in this frame of mind, the new
nature of the believer is ignored in favor of a more “natural” angle. This
truly non-Christian philosophy innocently pets the emotional state of the human
and consequently makes excuses for carnal behaviors instead of nailing these
things to the Cross. Please understand that it is impossible to defeat the trauma
of potential loneliness if you remain in a fleshly state of mind. Your emotions
may be real but don’t let them become your truth.
REVIEW HIS PROMISES AND
MAKE THEM YOUR TRUTH
Thirdly, if you
want to combat loneliness, you’ll need to review the promises of God on a
regular basis. His Word is His bond! He has said He will never leave us or
forsake us. Check out these verses and embed them in your heart.
Deuteronomy 31:6,
Be strong and courageous. Do not
be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you;
"He will never leave you nor
forsake you.", 8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with
you; He will never leave you nor
forsake you. "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Joshua 1:5 "As I was with
Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."
1Kings 8:57, "May the LORD our
God be with us as he was with our fathers; may He never leave us nor forsake
us.(Psalms 37:28; Isaiah 41:17;
42:16
Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be
content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
THE ROLE OF WORSHIP AND
MUSIC
I’ve
studied extensively and instructed about the subject of Praise and Worship for
over 35 years. My experience in the past decade, however, has revealed that
people are tending to lose themselves in their music and its technique, wrongly
thinking it’s worship, when in fact, it’s not. Worship requires thoughtful,
heartfelt expression to God for who He is. True worship, does not require music.
In fact, genuine worship opens the heart to an intimate reciprocating exchange.
But worship does not need music to be expressed. Music may unlock your emotions,
but if the worshipper isn’t focused on who God is and adoring Him, the music
will become an idol and subtly seduce faith away from knowing God. On the flip
side, edifying and structured music, with a message and a direction, can be very
useful, affecting the brain in a very positive way. This is because well-structured
music can heal and correct destructive patterns of thought in the human psyche.
Just remember, however, your music should focus on Him and be edifying in theme
and and message.
PARTICIPATE IN CHRISTIAN
FELLOWSHIP AND FUNCTIONS
If
you’re able to physically do so, you should try to attend a local church and or
Christian fellowship functions. Genuine fellowship fuels the spirit.
Regrettably, church attendance, however, is not the solution for the
chronically lonely because in many Christian gatherings interaction, welcoming
and helping people feel a part of the group, does not always happen. Years ago,
it was a common practice for church members to invite newcomers out for a meal
after church service was over. But sadly, today visitors, may not even see a
welcoming smile, or a genuine handshake or “Hello, how are you?” The
chronically lonely person may therefore find church attendance daunting and
empty. We need to seriously ask, “How can we recognize the lonely and make them
feel genuinely loved and welcome?” The chronically lonely person, saved and
unsaved alike, will seldom try to find a church, if they don’t experience a
welcome early on in the search. Be aware of this and let love be your manner
with anyone coming to participate in Christian fellowship. If you are the
lonely one and looking for fellowship, pray that the Lord will lead you as to
where and when to go. He will not forsake you.
PRACTICAL OPTIONS AND APPLICATION
HELP THE
CHILDREN!
One set of statistics suggests that 48%
of lonely people are lonely because it is inherited, while 52% of lonely people
are so because of environmental and external influences. Yet, if it is
heritable, then parents who struggle with chronic loneliness, may consequently
pass it on to their children by negative social modeling. What’s more, even if
you were to fall prey to inherited loneliness, the Christian has been delivered
from that through the redemptive work of Jesus. You are a new creation freed
from a curse of loneliness.
I
believe that one of the greatest needs that should be considered is when we
think about loneliness, is that we’re facing a serious challenge with children
suffering from chronic loneliness. This is due to many different factors, not
the least of which is the fragility of the modern family. Parents who don’t
know how to parent, and especially mothers who don’t know how to mother, are
issues we mustn’t ignore. In fact, much of the research that points to the
development of chronic loneliness is specifically centered around the lack of
love and security in the home.
I
asked Mrs. Dana Gould, M.Ed Early Childhood, a school teacher from an
economically challenged small town in Kansas, if she’d received training during
her education to recognize the lonely children in her classes. Her response was
interesting, insightful and lengthy. She explained that teachers are normally
taught to recognize the ravages of poverty and childhood trauma, because the
need is so great. This was especially important in the area of the country
where she has worked. But, as far as having received actual training as to how
to recognize a child who is chronically lonely, it was somewhat of a new
thought to her. Nonetheless, she acknowledged that wherever there was poverty
there was almost always loneliness. She and I discussed this at length because her
observations revealed that when poverty is present, social skills were always
negatively affected. What’s more, she agreed that loneliness probably begins
with the effects of poverty in the home situation. I am hoping that she and I
can continue dialoging about this in time to come. But, for the most part,
because the emotional needs of many school age children are so great, the teachers
are faced with a huge dilemma. Who do you help when so many are hurting? Thankfully,
Christian teachers, like Dana, know to pray for their students. The problem the
teachers face is: Who do you reach out to so you can make them feel loved and
secure if the home situation is destructive? The needs are like a bottomless
pit. For this reason, teachers need to be trained to recognize that loneliness
is a serious, often hidden problem that leads to all sorts of problems including
disease. If loneliness begins in the home it will generally originate with the
parents, who are also lonely.
We’re
in an unusual time as the Biblical ideas about parenting and family are on the firing
line. What’s more, the sociological generations of Traditionalist, Baby
Boomers, Generation X, and Generation Y have very different ideas about family
and parenting. In fact, currently there is a dichotomous trend emerging, with
one trends of being, parents who have been labeled as “helicopter parents”.
These parents are generally Baby Boomer or Gen X parents, and they tend to hover
over every area of the child’s life. On the other hand, children are being raised
by bone tired parents, especially the mothers, because they’re busy just trying
to put food on the table and pay the bills. Consequently, they have little time
to be affectionate. In fact, sociologists are saying that mothering is becoming
a forgotten skill.
I
know many young mothers who’re doing a great job raising their children, but
I’ve observed they’re in the minority. Sociologists have come to agree that
loneliness often begins when Momma is unable to love her babies in the way that
develops their inward security, and sense of well-being. The child who goes
unloved starts to expect that they will also be un-loveable by other people
outside the family. This is heartbreaking. Thank God, Jesus made a way to heal
this. But nonetheless, there is a huge need for training in mothering, and also
parenting.
GET A PET
Get a pet! An animal can never truly
satisfy the type of emotional intimacy that God provides, or likewise what people
are designed to bring. But, an animal, especially a dog or cat, because of the
softness of the fur and the interaction, can be of great comfort when you’re
forced into an isolated people-less existence. Just remember, prayer is always
your best option when finding intimacy that is fulfilling.
SOFT STUFFED
TOYS
In
clinical treatment/ and research situations, especially when working with young
abandoned and traumatized children, it can be difficult to draw the child out of
his or her withdrawn condition to trust and love. It’s been found that in the
early stages of ministering to such broken souls, and interestingly, similarly
in clinical experiments with young monkeys, soft stuffed toys helped immensely.
The tactile feel of the softness of the fabric eases a child’s emotions and
they relax so that they can eventually be held and drawn out. Of course prayer
must always accompany this form of ministry. Whenever dealing with broken
people, which in essence is what a lonely person is, one must always be
patient, gentle and allow the Spirit of God to work. He is near to the broken
in heart. There is a softness in His manner that should be imitated in
everything that we do.
FIND A HOBBY
Find
a hobby you enjoy and do it habitually. Some people choose to write their memoirs.
Others like to research subjects they’re interested in. The list is endless. Gardening
is an option that would get you in the out of doors, and where you could get some
fresh air and sunshine. Many lonely people are also vitamin D deficient and
would greatly benefit from the perks of being in the sun where they can absorb
the vitamin they need. Get a hobby.
CLEAN LIVING
Keep
your living environment neat and well lit! Loneliness thrives in isolation, specifically
where there is a lack of structure and where there is also physical darkness.
Make it a goal to make your bed every morning. Do some daily house cleaning and
keep your rooms picked up and dishes done. The lonely person often tends to
become slack in personal housekeeping maintenance. Correct this as soon as
possible. If you can afford to have a regular housekeeper, do so because it
will enable you to have some regular people contact, even if it’s only for a
short while.
VOLUNTEER
Volunteer!!!!
Self-pity is a hungry devourer when you’re lonely. If you can get out and join
some organization where you can help people do so. Get your mind off yourself.
Volunteer to help serve food in rescue mission kitchen. Offer to visit the
infirm and people who are house bound if you’re not. Consider assisting at
local schools where you will have contact with children. They can brighten a lonely
dark day very quickly. But volunteer your time if at all possible.
SEE SOMEONE
EVERY DAY- IF POSSIBLE
Make
an effort to see and talk to people every day if you are able to get out and do
so. Otherwise, if you’re in a confined or limited setting, such as a senior
citizen center, nursing care facility, private house, farming region etc., you
will need to find ways to have people come to you. This can be a challenge,
especially if no one knows you are there. In such cases, you may have to then
solely rely on your prayer life, which isn’t a bad thing anyway.
SOCIAL MEDIA?
Don’t depend on social media to fill your
need for intimacy and relationship! As helpful as social networking can be, you
can easily isolate yourself by always sitting in front of the computer or being
attached to your cell phone. Sometimes I think the words “cell phone” are more
than just a name. People are becoming trapped, and “jailed” by these little
devices, not even realizing that they’re losing important social skills. Social
websites are great for connecting and reconnecting you with old friends and
new. But they’ll never give you the type of complete and true picture of what’s
going on in another person’s life. We may in fact actually be enabling
loneliness by failing to meet people face to face, or phone one another. Guard
your heart dear one! Make room for healthy socialization.
HAS THE
CRYING STOPPED?
It’s
sad, but there is a common plight in orphanages around the world. Babies are
left in their cribs without human affection for days on end, and in all cases,
a short time after their arrival to the institution, the crib room is silent.
The babies stop crying when they realize that no matter how much they cry no
one is coming to answer them. The loneliness and abandonment becomes a trauma,
and their little heart’s hope is gone. As heartbreaking as this is, it’s a
reality in a world that doesn’t understand that love is fundamentally necessary
for human development and life. But think about this if you will? How many full
grown adults, teenagers, wives, husbands, singles, elderly, and more have
stopped crying because no one answers or even knows how to respond to their quest
for intimacy? Regrettably, if this is the case, then we don’t even know who the
lonely are in our societies and the Church. Like the babies, they’ve stopped
crying because no one cares.
Dear
ones, as believers in Jesus, we don’t have to permit loneliness to swallow us.
We have a great opportunity for intimacy that comes from God, and He can soothe
our human souls. But many people in and outside of the Church don’t know how to
access this treasure. I urge you, child of God. Listen to this plea. You may
not be able to cry any longer. Your hope may be gone. But rest assured. He has
never left you, and He will never forsake you. Nothing can separate you from
His love, not even isolation, human abandonment and crisis. What’s more, the
people around you may not be letting you hear their cries. But, if we as
Christians will be available and walk intimately with Jesus and practice the
true nature of ministry- the servant heart, this plague of loneliness can be
addressed and we will see people healed and directed to walk with Jesus.
(c) 2016 Tamara Winslow
